Gratitude

Lately I have been feeling very grateful for the things in my life that I don't appreciate often enough. As a type A person, I am always striving to be the best me that I can be. Sometimes that's a good thing. It's important to me to be constantly improving, so I have a long list of things that I'm always working on in different areas of my life, including education, career, fitness, mental health, strengthening my relationship, friendships, my personal style, etc. However, by being so goal-oriented, I think I sometimes forget to appreciate who I am, where I am, and what I have right now.

For example, I am incredibly grateful that I have been blessed with overall good health. Obviously, I have a few minor conditions just like everyone else, but nothing so serious that it impacts me on a daily basis. In fact, I can only remember a few times in my life when I have been sick for an extended period of time. Once was when I injured (and re-injured) my upper back for several months. The first few weeks afterwards were miserable, because I could neither sit up nor lie down without agonizing pain. Also I had to go to physical therapy a couple times a week, and I kept re-injuring the same spot just doing daily activities, so the recovery time was very slow. That was an awful experience. Another time was when I had bronchitis for over two months. I would cough myself awake 5-10 times a night. I couldn't do any of the things I like to do normally, and I was too sick to see any friends. No fun at all. During both of those times, I slipped into temporary depression, so I can only imagine how people who have serious health conditions cope.

Recently I was hanging out with some friends when the conversation turned to personal health. One friend is currently struggling with an undiagnosed health issue. She and her husband are very frustrated with the situation, because she is in pain all the time and has zero energy, yet none of her doctors seem to have any idea why. As they continue to search for an answer, the condition has started to severely limit her life and even impact her normally cheerful disposition. Another friend revealed that she has moderate to severe scoliosis (curved spine), so she suffers from chronic back pain. There are some activities she just cannot do, because she knows it would aggravate her back. The only cure is surgery, but there are also significant risks that she's unwilling to take. I feel so much empathy for both of them, and I hope that things will get better. At the same time, it makes me realize I have been taking my own good health for granted, and it's important to appreciate it now while I still have it.

Some other things I feel grateful for: my boyfriend, friends, and family; having enough money to pursue a PhD while living a comfortable lifestyle; living in a first-world country that is (relatively) stable; how much progress I have made towards better mental health; being lucky enough to not have student loans or personal debt; having hobbies I enjoy and the money/health/time to pursue them. I am also grateful that I have this space to write down my thoughts, and I am grateful for all of you who take the time out of your day to read my posts and comment on them. There are more things of course, but these are the biggest ones I can think of at the moment. The next time I feel sad or angry or disappointed or frustrated, I would like to take a moment to think about what I already have and feel grateful.

What are you grateful for? Have you taken a moment to express your gratitude lately?

Thoughts on Budgeting, Happiness, Body Image, and Smoothies

Here are some things I've been thinking about lately that are too short to warrant their own blog posts:

// Personal budget

Even though I've been writing monthly budget posts, I haven't actually set a budget for the year. I think I am going to target spending $150 per month on clothes, calculated on an annual basis. So far I have spent $158.99 in April, $133.47 in May, and $161.36 in June, leaving me with $896.18 for the rest of the year (an average of $149.36 per month). Also I am budgeting $117 per month for my active hobbies ($42 for my gym membership + $75 for everything else per month). I spent $42.00 in April, $275.80 in May, and $265.55 in June, which leaves me with $469.65 for the year (an average of $78.28 per month). Looks like I probably won't be buying skis this year.

// Happiness
Last week I got lunch with a friend who I only see occasionally, and we were catching up. He graduated last year with his PhD and now has a big shot corporate job with good hours that pays generously. By all accounts, he's very successful and should be happy, yet he's been feeling apathetic about life and wishes he still felt the same sense of purpose that he did during PhD. Our conversation got me thinking about what exactly makes someone happy. From my own experience as well as what I've observed, happiness is having good health, feeling loved/accepted/supported by your friends/family/significant other, having enough money to be comfortable, having a sense of purpose in your life whether it be work or something else, and taking pleasures in the little things. What do you think happiness is?

// Weight gain and body image
In the past 3-6 months, I have gained about 5 lbs. You know the Freshman 15? This is the PhD Dissertation 5... While it's possible that some of the weight gain is muscle mass from climbing and running, I think most of it is just fat. I've been working longer hours, so I'm not cooking at home as much or working out as often. Also I use food as a pick-me-up/reward for working hard. As a result, I've been eating all of the things. I'm not super concerned about my diet at the moment since I know this arrangement is semi-temporary (on the order of months), and I can lose the weight the moment I get back to my normal routine. However, it is having a negative impact on my body image. For example, I find myself avoiding tighter clothes, because I don't like how they emphasize my stomach. I also find myself grabbing my belly flab in disgust a couple times a day, which I recognize is super toxic. I'd like to adjust my mental attitude and stop being so hard on myself until I find the bandwidth to actually lose the extra weight. Just not sure how yet. Also note that this weight gain may slightly impact my fit reviews in the near future (mostly for pants/bottoms).

Why I've gained weight (clockwise): buns from my favorite Chinese bakery, best BBQ I've had in my life, homemade Taiwanese beef noodle soup, homemade French toast, pad see ew, ice cream

// What I'm loving lately

1. Smoothies. I started making smoothies for breakfast. They're super quick to make in the morning (less than 5 minutes), I can drink them on the way to/at school, they're delicious, and they keep me full for a surprisingly long time (4+ hours since they're full of fiber versus 2 for cereal). My favorite smoothie recipes at the moment are banana berry (almond milk + banana + frozen strawberries + frozen wild blueberries + spinach) and dark chocolate cherry (almond milk + banana + frozen cherries + cocoa powder). I like sneaking spinach into smoothies, because hey, extra serving of veggies. You can't really taste it, and if you use blueberries, it disguises the color too. Dark chocolate cherry is great if you're craving chocolate but don't want the guilt, since cocoa powder is only 10 calories per tablespoon!

2. Yeti 20 oz Rambler. I bought this recently to put my smoothies in, and now I understand why people love Yeti. It really is a well-designed tumbler. Very sturdy and keeps your drinks hot/cold for hours. I have the magnetic-lock lid, which is spill-resistant albeit not spill-proof (it still leaks if you turn it upside down). Also, this fits perfectly in my European car's tiny cupholders (usually things either rattle around or you just can't put it in at all). Very happy with my purchase.

What are you loving lately? How do you cope with weight gain? What are your favorite smoothie recipes?

Am I a Shopaholic?

A few weeks ago, upon coming home to find a bunch of packages lying around the living room floor, J jokingly called me a shopaholic. My first reaction was disbelief. Me a shopaholic? Yes, I buy a lot of stuff online, but I usually end up returning most of it. It can be hard to tell if something is going to work out when you order it online. It's even harder for clothes when you throw fit and hand-feel into the mix, but the same is true for non-clothing items too. In the moment, I shrugged off his comment, but over the next couple days, I kept coming back to it. Initially I felt a little stung and even offended. However, the more I thought about it, the more I admitted that maybe there was some truth to the matter after all.

When I think of a shopaholic, I think of someone struggling with a serious addiction, who has maxed out credit cards and hides the evidence of their shopping sprees from their family/loved ones. Neither of those statements are true for me. I pay off my credit cards in full every month, I don't have any debt, and I have savings. Also, I don't try to hide my shopping from J, which is how he was able to make a comment in the first place. However, it turns out those aren't the only signs of a shopping addiction. Other signs include:
 1.  buying lots of stuff and then returning them the next day
 2.  having many unopened, unused, or tagged items sitting around in your closet
 3.  buying things you don't need or didn't plan to buy
 4.  feeling a rush when you buy something new
 5.  shopping gets in the way of work or other hobbies
 6.  feeling the urge to shop as a reaction to negative emotions such as disappointment or sadness
 7.  shopping to celebrate a positive achievement

I can relate on some level to ALL of these signs, but especially #1, 3, 5, and 6. As I mentioned earlier, I order a lot of stuff online. Because I live in a condo, I have to pick up my packages from my building's front desk. Several of the concierge staff know me by name since they see me all the time, even though the building is really big with lots of residents. Also, a few years ago, when I lived in a different place, someone who worked at my leasing office asked me how I could possibly fit all these clothes from J.Crew into my apartment. I remember thinking it was rather rude of her to be so judgmental and that it was really none of her business, but I just replied that I returned most of my purchases. When I was moving out of my old apartment and had to clean out my closet, I found plenty of clothes that still had their tags on. I had never worn them, and yet I was still buying new clothes. Also, I spend thousands of dollars every year on clothes and hobby gear that are definitely wants and not needs. Given the context, now I find these signs troubling.

The truth is, I do have a tendency to shop when I'm bored, I feel down, or I want to procrastinate. I spend way too much time browsing online shopping sites, and the barrier to me clicking 'order now' is very low. It's only later when whatever I bought finally arrives on my doorstep that I actually decide whether to keep or return. That's really why I return as much as I do. So while I am not a full-blown shopaholic (since it hasn't driven me into debt or social isolation), I do think I have some shopaholic tendencies and should monitor my shopping habits closer as a result.

For the next couple weeks, I will be taking a step back from recreational shopping (aside from whatever I ordered prior to this post). I want to see how hard it will be for me to stop, which would provide some clarity on whether or not I have a problem. That means no new clothes or hobby gear, my two biggest splurge categories, unless I absolutely need it (not just want). I would like to take this time to focus on my other interests and plan more thoughtfully for what I will be buying in the future. I will report back on the results of my experiment next month.

Do you identify with any of these shopping addiction signs? Have you ever gone on a shopping freeze? Or have you tried something more gradual?

Serious Talk: My Struggles with Mental Health

I was shocked and saddened on Tuesday to hear that Kate Spade had apparently taken her own life at age 55. Her name was synonymous with fun yet accessible luxury. Like so many other women of my generation, my very first designer handbag was from her brand. I still remember how much I loved and treasured that red satchel I had found in the clearance section for $80. It's unfortunate that the life of such a warm and creative woman ended this way. Perhaps if our society was more open to discussing mental health issues and providing support for people who need help, this tragedy could have been prevented.

In light of this event, today I want to talk about a serious topic that is very important to me: mental health, specifically my own struggles with it. I debated whether I should share this information on the blog, because after all, it is an extremely personal subject. I ultimately decided in favor of it, because I want to help dispel some of the stigma surrounding discussions of mental health by sharing my own experience, and if doing so helps even one person reading this post, it would be worthwhile.

I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). In this post as well as older posts, I alluded to it in passing, but I feel like I've always danced around the subject, intentionally minimizing the impact it's had on my life. What is generalized anxiety disorder, you ask? Everyone feels anxious sometimes. Maybe you're worried about not having enough money to pay an unexpected bill, or you have a performance review coming up, or you're waiting on some test results from the doctor, or you're nervous before a big exam or presentation. These are examples of normal everyday anxiety, which are mostly rational and transient in nature. Generalized anxiety disorder is when you experience irrational anxiety that is persistent and overwhelming to the point where it interferes with your daily life. It means constantly worrying about things that shouldn't matter, irrationally avoiding activities or situations, and having out-of-the-blue panic attacks. Almost 20% of Americans suffer from it, and yet I rarely hear anyone discuss it.

I mentioned in this post that nowadays I lead a pretty active and adventurous life. That may not seem like a big deal, but for me, it was impossible to even imagine a few years ago. Circa 2010, I developed crippling anxiety while I was working. At the time I wasn't in a great place mentally. I was socially isolated, I didn't like my job, I was in a stressful long-distance relationship, and I had gained 10 pounds from living a sedentary lifestyle. All I ever did was work, eat, sleep, repeat. It was during this period that I had my first panic attack, which I didn't recognize as a panic attack at the time. (If you've never had one personally, let me just say that it is truly a terrifying experience. Some people have described it as feeling like they're going to die. Sometimes people even end up in the ER, because they think they're having a heart attack when it's actually a panic attack.)  It happened at work. I remember sitting at my desk and suddenly feeling very weak and dizzy. My heart was racing, I couldn't breathe, and I felt extremely nauseous. I was sure I would faint or throw up or both. I emailed my manager to say I wasn't feeling well, and I called my dad to come pick me up from the office. At the time, I thought maybe I had food poisoning and that it would pass. It didn't. This happened many more times, always striking seemingly out of the blue. I was terrified and became convinced I had a terrible mysterious illness. I frequented the doctor's office, hoping to find an answer. I went to a cardiologist, a neurologist, a pulmonologist, an ENT, and a gastroenterologist. I even had an MRI done of my brain. Everything came back normal, but I was still convinced there was something wrong with me. I obsessed endlessly about my health (hypochondria), because I felt like I needed to hunt down this "illness" and started to avoid social settings in case I "felt sick."

By 2014, the situation had turned desperate. At the time, I was already in grad school, which was super stressful. I still didn't recognize my "illness" as panic attacks. I was constantly drained and on edge. Because I was worried about "losing control" in front of other people when I "felt sick," I developed agoraphobia and started to avoid leaving the house. (Not coincidentally, I started blogging in 2014 as an escape.)  On the rare occasions we attended social gatherings, I had to be accompanied by my then-fiancé in order to not feel panicky, and there were still times I felt so anxious we had to leave early with a hasty excuse.  My anxiety was exacerbated by my shame, my need to keep up appearances and not let anyone know that I was struggling (an irrational but common fear for people with GAD). I felt trapped and hopeless.

Finally, after months of encouragement from my then-fiancé, I entered therapy. That decision completely transformed my life. For two years, I worked with my therapist as well as in group therapy on the problem. Finally, in 2016, I was able to make a major breakthrough. I am proud to say that I have not had a panic attack since then. What worked for me was a number of things. First, I told the important people in my life my big, dark secret. Most of my friends were supportive, which actually helped dispel my fear of people seeing me feel "sick." They were also surprised, because they had never suspected; I was that good at hiding it. Some of them even confided in me about their own mental health struggles, and I successfully encouraged three of them to seek therapy too. Unfortunately, my parents have been slow to come around, because mental health issues are really stigmatized in immigrant Asian communities. I'm still glad I told them. Also I learned some coping strategies to help ease me through a panic attack. Most importantly, I try to moderate my overall stress levels by working out, eating right, getting enough sleep, seeing friends, meditating, journaling, and of course going to therapy.

Where the earth meets the sky (view from an outdoor rock climbing trip)

Today I am in a much better place mentally, which has given me the strength and energy to pursue the life I want to live. I travel, rock climb, cycle, ski, hike, spend time regularly with friends, etc. If you had told me a few years ago that I would be where I am now, I wouldn't have believed you. That's not to say there isn't more room for improvement. There are still times when I am irrationally anxious, but I try to not let it limit who I am or what I do. I am extremely grateful for the progress that I have made in therapy, and I hope I can continue to do so in the future. I also hope to continue being a mental health advocate for other people in my life.

If you are suffering from anxiety and/or depression, I want you to know THERE IS HOPE. Anxiety and depression are both liars. They feed off your loneliness, hopelessness, and despair, so they try to trap you into believing that you're powerless to change your situation. You can't trust the thoughts they put in your head. Please seek professional help as soon as possible. I promise you things will get better.

If you know someone who is or who you think might be struggling with anxiety and/or depression, please reach out to them. Let them know that you care and they're not alone. If you can, nudge them to seek professional help. We all need to do our part in saving lives. 


Do you or someone you know struggle with anxiety or depression? How do you/they cope with it? Do you think there's still a lot of stigma surrounding mental health issues? If you don't feel comfortable leaving a public comment, please email me at dresslikeanengineer{at}gmail{dot}com.

The Language(s) of Love

Valentine's Day is right around the corner, so today I wanted to step out of my box to talk about a more serious topic: looove. A little background first. For the past few semesters, I've been attending a support group on campus for graduate students. Once a week we get together to discuss all sorts of life issues, including research stress, relationship stress, family stress, you name it. Anyway, last time I brought up a small argument that Engineer W and I had recently. After hearing my story, one of the group members suggested trying to understand his perspective by learning his language of love. If you have no idea what she was talking about (like I didn't), she was referring to a popular book written by Gary Chapman for people in relationships. According to Chapman, the five languages of love are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. I haven't read the book, but the basic idea seems to be that you can strengthen your emotional connection with your partner if you can express your love for them using their love language instead of your own. There's even a quiz on his website to help you figure out your own love language(s). Most people need a mixture of all five, but the importance of each language is different from person to person.

Source

My love languages (in descending priority) are quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts, and physical touch with words of affirmation being a distant fifth. Engineer W's languages are physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, and quality time with receiving gifts in last place. As you can see, our top languages don't overlap much. Because we're most likely to express our love in the languages that we would like to receive from others, that can lead to occasional misunderstandings and feeling under-appreciated at times. For example, Engineer W always thanks me for doing chores around the house, and I couldn't understand why. By comparison, I never used to thank him since I didn't value words of affirmation myself. Now I try to pay more attention to these differences so that he always feels loved and appreciated.

When I think about it, the concept of different love languages is pretty intuitive and really extends beyond just couples. It's applicable to anyone you love, like family and friends. Using this framework has changed the way I understand my parents, especially my mom. Whenever I go to visit her, she always tries to give me gifts to bring back with me, and I usually make excuses about not having enough space in my bag. Now I realize that she's trying to show me how much she loves me, and I should just take those gifts to avoid hurting her feelings.

So this Valentine's Day, when you think about what to get the person/people you love, think about how they show their love for you, and show your own love for them using that same language.

Personal Resolutions for 2015

I know, I know. It's already the middle of January, so why am I still talking about New Year's resolutions? Well, things have been pretty hectic lately. I re-injured the pulled muscle in my neck, my grandfather passed away, and school started up again, so I'm only just getting around to blogging about them now. For what it's worth, I did make them on New Year's Eve and have already started putting them into action.

So I know a lot of people detest this annual tradition, but in the past I've had good luck with sticking to my resolutions. Plus the start of a new year is usually the kick in the pants I need to make a major change in my life. A few examples of things I've managed to change over the years include no longer biting my nails (a terrible stress-related habit I've had since I was 4 years old!) and learning to cook so that I can eat more healthily and save money at the same time.

From my own experience, there are a few important things to keep in mind if you want to make resolutions that you can stick to:

1. Set only a few (realistic) goals.
I think a common mistake for most people is that they set too many goals for one year. If you have 10-20 goals, it's impossible to achieve all of them. Worse yet, you may become overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work and just give up on them altogether. My suggestion is to focus on only a handful (or even better, 2-3) and really apply yourself in those areas. Pick the ones that will have the greatest impact on your life, but also keep them realistic so that you don't set yourself up for failure and feel discouraged when you can't meet your own expectations.

2. Have a solid plan of attack as to how you can achieve those goals.
Try to break down your big-picture goal into a series of smaller tasks, and just focus on doing well at each small task. This way you feel like you're making progress step by step toward ultimately achieving your goal.

3. Keep track of your progress and constantly reward yourself.
Define your own milestones and metrics for success. As you meet each one, treat yourself to something nice. Maybe it's a dinner at your favorite restaurant or a new skirt or a massage. Any incentive for your continued good behavior.

4. Forgive yourself if (when) you fall off the bandwagon.
This is an issue that I personally struggle with a lot and still need to learn to cope with. Whenever I fall off the bandwagon, I get discouraged and have a hard time pressing on. But I need to remember that failure is a natural part of the learning process. The important thing isn't that you fell off, but that you picked yourself up again and got back on it.

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For 2015, I have only two resolutions. Both focus on different aspects of health. The first deals with physical health and the second with mental health.

1. Exercise a minimum of 4 times a month.
This sounds like a laughably small amount of physical activity, but it's already a great improvement over last year's 0 times a month. Honestly I'm probably in terrible cardiovascular health. I sit all day in front of a computer at school, and when I get home, I continue to sit in front of a computer. That's the life of a grad student in engineering. But as I get older, I notice that I'm not as "fresh" as I used to be, and I have little niggling pains and aches (like how I've randomly pulled muscles in my neck/back several times this year from bad ergonomics). Four times a month is a bare minimum for me. I would love to work out 2-3 times a week, but from past experience, I know that goal is a little too ambitious right now. I think my current target is very doable, and also the flexibility of a monthly goal instead of a weekly goal is just much more manageable. So far I've already gone running twice this month!

2. Live more in the moment.
My grad school career hasn't been the smoothest, and as such, it's caused me a lot of existential stress over the past few years. When I started grad school, I didn't really have good stress management techniques, so I carried around a lot of anxiety, which worsened into a series of panic attacks. I found myself constantly worrying about my thesis topic, my career path after graduation, and the future in general. Because I'm a perfectionist by nature, I wanted to optimize every step so that I could end up exactly where I wanted. However, instead of working on my research, I felt paralyzed and couldn't move forward, because I was worried that whatever step I took next would cause me to "fail."  Maybe my perfectionism helped me get this far, but now it's become more toxic than helpful. What I want to do going forward is to focus more on the tasks at hand and less on unlikely future eventualities.

What are your personal resolutions for 2015?